Monday, March 13, 2023

Back By Popular Demand

Limited edition MMM tournament projections are back for 2023!

The women’s bracket features the Battle for Blue, Tigers and Wolverines clawing for carnivore supremacy, a Nordic Nightmare on the open seas, a Red Storm in Seattle, a whole lot of fancy flying, plus one nasty big cat kerfuffle -- all culminating in a very special springtime Thanksgiving for the Virginia Tech Hokies.

2023 Women's Tournament Bracket

On the men’s side, two sets of Gaels vie for the heart of Ireland, only to defend its immortal soul from a sunny devil in Las Vegas. Meanwhile vicious Cyclones carve a path of destruction through the midwest, civilizations clash in the south, cool cats battle for a trip to the apple, and Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes sponsors a pair of Tiger tangles.

2023 Men's Tournament Bracket

Enjoy the madness!

Mascot Matchup Frequently Asked Questions

What's a mascot matchup?

A mascot matchup pits two teams against each other based upon the attributes of their mascots.

Are we talking about the human mascots dressed up in costumes, or the actual manifestations of the team name?

We're talking about real-life manifestations, not humans in costumes.

Are the mascots fighting or playing football/basketball/baseball/chess/etc.?

Yes. Look, clearly humans are the only creatures that can really play football, basketball, or Parcheesi. So we take some (liberal) literary license. The idea is that the mascots face off against each other in a battle, with the flavor of the game in question. So while neither a Bull or a Bobcat can play basketball, basketball is a game where jumping ability is important, so the better leaping Bobcat is afforded an advantage. Additionally, we project certain attributes/skills of the mascots to the game. For example, birds can fly. Thus teams with bird names have an advantage in passing a football or dunking a basketball. Those with tremendous strength (Bears, Tigers) may have stronger defensive lines and/or post games. Beavers are considered better team players, Devils are tricky and unethical, and Friars have God on their side.

What constitutes victory? Death? Injury?

Whatever would make one team surrender to another. Death is an obvious way to win, but it's not the only way. A bird could claw out a larger predators eyes, peck at their private parts, and cause them to cower into submission. To do so, however, they must risk flying in close and possibly being thrashed. A seemingly innocuous Buckeye may defeat a powerful Wolverine if the Wolverine eats the poisonous nut. A Devil may tempt a Crusader into abandoning the almighty in favor of debauchery.

Is it one mascot versus another, or 11 vs. 11 - for example - in football?

Depends on the mascot. Typically, if multiplicity makes sense, then we have it. 5 Tigers vs. 5 Bulldogs in basketball, 11 Mountaineers vs. 11 Chippewas in football. Sometimes it doesn't. What does it mean to have more than one Heat? Can I have 11 Hurricanes in a basketball arena?

Do the mascots have to follow the rules of the game?

This is loosely and ambiguously determined on a case-by-case basis.

What about stadium rules? Are mascots allowed to use weapons?

To the extent that it's reasonably practical. We'll let a Trojan bring in a sword, and a Red Raider pack their pistols. A Buccaneer can't bring their whole pirate ship in the stadium.

Do past records factor in?

Yes. A team's record against other mascots is an important consideration. If a team is 6-0 on the season against birds, they are given a decisive advantage against another bird.

Does the actual human team play any role?

To the extent that individual players/coaches embody attributes of the mascots, yes.

How does intelligence factor in? Shouldn't humans always beat animals?

Intelligence is factored in, along with any other attribute (strength, speed, perseverance, experience) that may be advantageous in battle. Humans have an advantage over animals when they're able to leverage intelligence in a way that overshadows other ways they may be deficient. Humans are typically pretty pathetic versus animals in physical gifts as speed and strength. Their advantage comes in technology and sometimes strategy. For example, a Tiger is much faster and stronger than a Pirate, but a Pirate may wield a sword. Advantage goes to the Pirate if they're able to evade the Tiger's attack and skillfully place the sword in the Tiger's ribcage. However, if they miss and/or loses the sword, they've got little hope of besting a Tiger in hand-to-hand combat.

How are inanimate objects evaluated?

As with all mascot matchups, this is case-specific. Inanimate objects may include plants (Ohio State Buckeyes), abstract concepts (Georgetown Hoyas) or forms of energy (Miami Heat). Like all mascots, inanimate objects come with both strengths and weaknesses. A tree can be expected to be consistent, sturdy, and difficult to run through, making defense a strength of a team bearing its likeness. On the other hand, a tree cannot be expected to excel in agility or speed. Colors (Stanford, Harvard) are stupid mascots, and virtually always lose.

What about mythical creatures, storm systems, etc?

They're tough when they're on, but also very vulnerable.

How do factors like weather, location, conditions, etc. impact results?

All can be crucial. For example, a Hurricane is a fearsome opponent if playing in October along the eastern seaboard. It's laughable in Boise in January. A heavy rain could bring advantage to aquatic or semiaquatic creatures such as Ducks or Gators, whereas cold weather favors those with heavy fur coats. Night games favor naturally nocturnal mascots like Owls, but heavy winds may neutralize their flight advantage. Finally, the context of the game is important. The Florida Gators, for example, must be afforded an advantage in the Gator Bowl.

What is "mascot ambiguity"?

Mascot ambiguity is when there is some question as to what a school's mascot is. If I can't figure out what your mascot is, I don't know how to evaluate you. This results in an automatic loss. A classic example is Texas A&M. The team name is "Aggies", a fighting farmer. However, the team mascot is a Collie named Reveille. So, are you a fighting farmer or a Lassie-dog? Or is the Lassie-dog actually a fighting farmer? I can't tell, so you lose. Other examples of mascot ambiguity include Tennessee (militiaman or hound dog?), Stanford (color or tree?), and Alabama (color or elephant?).

What is "regional appropriateness"?

Regional appropriateness is a good match between a mascot and its home. That is the mascot is native to, representative of, or otherwise closely affiliated with the school and/or region it's from. This gets you points, especially at home. Good examples include the Oregon State Beavers, Florida Gators, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Arizona Diamondbacks. Poor examples include the Cincinnati Bearcats, UAB Dragons, and Detroit Lions. The Los Angeles Lakers gave up regional appropriateness when they left Minnesota.

Are there any other special rules I should be aware of?

Yes. Special advantage is given to Owls, Trojans, and Ducks, and in particular Rice Owls, USC Trojans, and Oregon Ducks. Special disadvantage is accordingly given to Longhorns, Bruins, and Beavers, and in particular Texas Longhorns, UCLA Bruins, and Oregon State Beavers.

I also declare conflicted interest in Hokies, Vikings, Loggers, and the UMKC Kangaroos.

How could you pick a (mascot I don't like) over a (mascot representing my team)? That's ridiculous!

I stand by my record. If you don't like it, you're free to make your own.

I still don't get it. It seems arbitrary.

Sorry, I can't help you. Mascot Matchup isn't for everyone.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I love this matchup.

Personally, I'm going with Elena Delle Donne and the Fightin' Hens...

Monday, March 12, 2012

2012 NCAA Tournament Predictions

Official MMM projections for the Men's and Women's NCAA Basketball tournaments are now available here:

2012 March Mascot Madness (Women)

2012 March Mascot Madness (Men)

Featured matchups this year include dueling devils, the Battle for Blue, catfights galore, and the rise of the she-wolf. The Michigan Wolverines are poised for greatness, but tornadoes stand in the way. For the record, I'm officially pulling for the Hens, but Bears are an awfully tough draw - especially 6'8" ones.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

2011 NCAA Tournament Guide

In case you need any help with your picks, consult here.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Whomp...

Alas, 1 game under .500 and tied with ESPN's "expert" ain't so bad...

Thursday, January 7, 2010

It All Comes Down to the Title Game

With 33 contests in the books, MMM is tied with Sports Illustrated's Stuart Mandel with a 16-17 record. One game behind is ESPN's Bruce Feldman at 15-18.

Both Mandel and Feldman have picked 'Bama in the title game, but owing to classic mascot ambiguity on the part of the Tide/Elephants, MMM is going with the 'Horns. Should Texas prevail, MMM will claim 2009-10 bowl prediction superiority, while a 'Bama win gives the title to SI...

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Marquee Mascot Matchup - 2010 Sugar Bowl

Florida Gators (12-1)

VS.

Cincinnati Bearcats (12-0)

Tale of the Tape:

Gator Bearcat
American Alligator
Alligator mississippiensis
Species Binturong
Arctictis binturong
Reptile Class Mammal
13' / 800 lbHeight / Weight2'6" / 25 lb
Swamp Natural Habitat Forest
Anything it can get it's jaws on Diet Fruit, eggs, small rodents & birds
...scales Skin covered with... ...fur
Hiss, grunt, growl Vocalization Chuckle, whine
Spiked Tail Prehensile
18 total (5 each front foot, and 4 each rear) Claws 20 total, retractable (5 each foot)
...the swamp Smells like... ...popcorn
30" (estimated) Vertical Jump 42" (estimated)
Gatorade Favorite Sports Drink Civet Coffee

Preview:

The well-known American Alligator is a familiar character in the swamps, bogs, and otherwise hot, humid, mosquito-infested wetlands of the southeastern U.S. It's ferocity is understood, respected, and the source of many tragic stories about family pets, relatives, and sometimes children. Surprisingly, it is relatively uncommon as a mascot.

Bearcats on the other hand are comparatively misunderstood, even though they're more common mascots. "Bearcat" is a colloquial term for the binturong, an animal that is in fact neither bear nor cat. Native to southeast Asia, the binturong is one of the larger members of the Viverridae family, which also includes the relatively unknown civets and genets. All are carnivorous or omnivorous, cat-like creatures with long bodies and short legs, best known for retractable claws, penis bones, and pungent butt glands. The Bearcat's butt gland produces a distinctive odor said to resemble that of warm, buttered popcorn. Implications for social norms on the Cincinnati campus are left to the reader's imagination.

Both the Gator and Bearcat have long, large tails. The Gator uses it for swimming, and the Bearcat for balance while hanging and jumping about on trees. Thus, expect the tailback position to be a key to this game. Florida will plow straight ahead with Tebow and Demps, while Cincinnatti will mix up different looks from Isaiah Pead and speedy receivers coming out of the backfield.

The Gators have a major size and speed advantage. They need to be quick, explosive, and aggressive in taking the game to the Bearcats. Florida wants this to be a physical game in the trenches. They'll be wise to emphasize the the run game, as going to the air favors the Bearcat. With hind legs that can rotate backward, the Bearcat DBs can turn on a dime.

For the Gators this is all about the chomp. Their bite is among the strongest of all animals. Don't believe me? Just ask this guy:

Despite what might seem at first to be a decisive advantage, the Gators have a little-known fatal flaw, namely that the muscles used to open the jaw are quite weak. This allows the dangerous Gator jaws to be held shut with as little as a clenched hand or wrapping of duct tape, rendering the otherwise vicious predator a pathetic, wriggling sack of scales. Thus it's critical for the Gators to keep their jaws open. Expect a lot of trash talk, including repeated references to the Bearcats' "popcorn ass."

The Bearcats cannot compete in the trenches against the Gators. Cincinnati must employ great schemes and technical execution. What they lack in speed and strength is mitigated by superior hearing and field vision. As arboreal mammals, the Bearcats need to spread the field like the branches of a tree. Stay in the air. Bearcats are great at climbing trees and leaping branch-to-branch. Thus they'd be wise to employ the swing pass. Defensively the best move is probably just to get out of the way. One exception is the need to counter the Gators' vocal leadership. The Bearcats must take chances at getting to the quarterback and using their prehensile tail to clamp the Gator jaws shut.

A night game favors nocturnal Bearcat, but the indoor venue (Louisiana Superdome) may negate this advantage. On the other hand, it protects against rain and thus swamp-like conditions that would favor the Gator. Home field advantage definitely goes to the Gator.

Though the Bearcats come in 12-0, they haven't really been tested against an apex predator, and had close games against carnivorous mammals including Huskies, Mountaineers, and Panthers. The Gators have a strong resume against dudes wielding weapons and carnivorous mammals, but haven't faced a real vertical threat. There are no flying animals or specialized climbers on the schedule, and the only bird is a ground-dwelling fighting chicken. They were stampeded by an ambiguously crimson tide of elephants in the SEC championship game. Common opponents are dogs - specifically Bulldogs, against whom the Gators went 2-0 with a 17 point average margin of victory. The Bearcats beat Fresno Bulldogs by 8, and dominated Salukis 70-3.

Outlook:

MMM expects this one to be a high-scoring shootout, with the Gators running roughshod over the Bearcat D, and the nimble Bearcat offense wreaking havoc on the ground-dwelling reptiles. The defense that shows up for the 4th quarter wins this one. The Bearcats have less margin for error, and thus a slight edge goes to the Gators.

Gators, 42-38.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

College Football Bowl Guide, Week 3

With a 7-6 record through 13 games (tying ESPN and half game ahead of SI), we're ready for the final week. The Marquee Mascot Matchup features the Florida Gators and Cincinnati Bearcats in the Allstate Sugar Bowl.

Week 3 Remaining Contests:

OutbackWildcats vs. TIGERSWildcats unlucky again. Tigers are bigger wild cats.
Capital OneNittany Lions vs. TIGERSDitto.
GatorSEMINOLES vs. MountaineersEven hillbillies don't know as many tricks as Bobby Bowden.
RoseBuckeyes vs. DUCKSSmooth sailing as long as Oregon flies above the trees.
SugarGators vs. BearcatsMarquee Mascot Matchup
InternationalBulls vs. HUSKIESNew year, same mascots, same results. Cold Canada favors sled dogs, eh?
Papa JohnsHuskies vs. GAMECOCKSFighting chickens send the fur flying.
CottonCowboys vs. REBELSAdvantage Ole Miss with a slightly larger ten-gallon hat.
LibertyPirates vs. RAZORBACKSYou want both eyes in a battle vs. a wild pig.
AlamoSpartans vs. RED RAIDERSThat guy on the horse is creepy. Suggest retreating to Sparta.
FiestaHORNED FROGS vs. BroncosNo defense in this game. Spiny lizards outmaneuver hooves.
OrangeHawkeyes vs. YELLOW JACKETSSuperior aerial agility.
GMACTrojans vs. CHIPPEWASPrevious victory over Michigan State suggests trouble for warriors of antiquity.
BCS TitleCrimson Tide vs. LONGHORNSI hate to pick a cow, but 'Bama must choose between colors and elephants. See FAQ.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

College Football Bowl Guide, Week 2

MMM is off to a strong start with a 2-1 record through the first three contests (Golden Knights vs. Scarlet Knights was a tough call). In comparison, the Sports Illustrated "expert" (Stuart Mandel) is 0-3, while ESPN's Bruce Feldman is a sub-.500 1-2.

Week 2: Featured Matchups - Mammals vs. Storms

CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL
Miami Hurricanes vs. Wisconsin Badgers

December hurricanes are rare, but have occurred in the Atlantic as late as December 30. Florida is prime hurricane territory, and if one shows up even the ferocious badgers are in trouble.

HURRICANES, 28-14.


INSIGHT BOWL
Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. Iowa State Cyclones

Tornadoes are seriously formidable opponents, but what better shelter than a gopher hole? In a low scoring affair...

GOPHERS, 7-3.







Week 2: Remaining Contests


Little CaesarsTHUNDERING HERD vs. BobcatsThis Herd has already defeated Tigers and Dragons.
Meineke Car CareTarheels vs. PANTHERSI like the predatory cat over Ramses.
EmeraldEagles vs. TROJANSEver tried flying into SFO in December?
Music CityTIGERS vs. WildcatsTough draw, UK. Better luck in basketball season.
IndependenceAggies vs. BULLDOGSChomp chomp, Uga.
EagleBankOWLS vs. BruinsBirds triumph in the Bird Bowl
HumanitarianVandals vs. FALCONSThievery is not humane.
HolidayCornhuskers vs. WILDCATSHusking corn is not the same as skinning a cat.
Armed ForcesCOUGARS vs. FalconsClaws in a tight one over talons.
SunSOONERS vs. CardinalThe Sooner is a stupid mascot, but even it beats a color.
TexasTIGERS vs. MidshipmenWeary sealegs make for trouble against a top tier mammalian predator.
Chick-fil-AHOKIES vs. VolunteersMascot ambiguity dooms the Vols if the NCAA doesn't first.