College Football Bowl Guide, Week 1

Welcome to the 2009-2010 edition of Mascot Bowl Season. This year's matchups will be presented in three weekly installments, culminating with the Marquee Mascot Matchup, Gators vs. Bearcats in the Allstate Sugar Bowl.

Week 1: Featured Matchup

NEW ORLEANS BOWL
Southern Miss Golden Eagles vs. Eastern Tennessee Blue Raiders

At first glance the Eagle looks pretty serious, and the whole flying and talon-wielding thing would normally pull weight. But that's a LIGHTNING-BREATHING, FLYING HORSE.

BLUE RAIDERS, 35-21.


Week 1: Remaining Contests

New Mexico	Bulldogs vs. COWBOYS	Even rough and tumble dogs struggle against the six-shooter.
St. Petersburg	Scarlet Knights vs. GOLDEN KNIGHTS	Popular retirement destination favors all things golden.
Las Vegas	Cougars vs. BEAVERS	Ever so close to roses, the hardworking, bucktoothed Beavs have something to prove.
Poinsettia	Utes vs. GOLDEN BEARS	Utes traditionally worship bears, including an annual Bear Dance.
Hawai`i	Mustangs vs. WOLFPACK	Wolves in Honolulu? Strange, but horses are easy prey.

William & Mary Mascot Search - Official Position

It has recently come to the attention of MMM that The College of William & Mary is in the process of selecting a new mascot to replace their current - politically incorrect - mascot, the Tribe. It is important in this situation that an official position on the matter be made clear.

First of all, I wasn't consulted. I should have been, because if I was we certainly wouldn't have this abhorrent group of finalists, which (and I wish I was kidding) includes a Griffin, a King & Queen, a Phoenix, a Pug, and a Wren. Yes, you read that right. A Wren.

Recognize that the transition from politically-incorrect, imperial, Native American-objectifying mascot to something more socially tenable is wrought with peril, and not without precedent. Consider Stanford University, who went from the Indian - discriminatory, yes, but at least tangible - to the color Cardinal. A color? In an attempt to make up for such obvious stupidity, in came this character in a tree costume, which served only to introduce mascot ambiguity. Big mistake. Proud school with a great athletic tradition stuck in a perpetual mascot cellar.

Memo to W&M AD Terry Driscoll, chairman of the mascot search committee: Avoid that kind of mistake. Counterexample: Marquette University abandons the Warrior and goes with a somewhat generic but classic, reliable Golden Eagle. Strong move.

To be perfectly clear, here are the problems with the proposed W&M mascots:

1) Griffin. Good idea in terms of being unique, traditional, and even fierce. But it's a little esoteric. People don't know what Griffins are. They don't want to figure it out. They'll think you're talking about Merv Griffin. That's not a good look.

2) King & Queen. Besides the obvious associations with the Burger King guy and this sitcom about a UPS driver, the problem here is the team name. "Hey, wanna go watch the Kings & Queens game tonight?" "GO KINGS AND QUEENS!" A institution of higher education at least needs some grammar that works.

3) Phoenix. OK, I'm still with you on the whole mythical creature thing, but you can't pluralize Phoenix. Phoenices? That's a combination of penis and feces. You really want to go there?

4) Pug. Pug. This is a pug. The image of your university - seriously? That's the best you've got? Good luck against a bulldog. Or wolfpack. Or fairy.


5) Wren. Unless you're gonna go with a classic (e.g. Cardinals), I just can't support a songbird for anything but a music conservatory.

Here are a couple better options:

Cottonmouth. Venomous snake native to southeastern Virginia. Simplify to Vipers if necessary. Yeah snakes creep a lot of people out (myself included), but think of the possibilities. Two words: live mascot.










Royal. Too bad Old Dominion beat you to the Monarch, but you can still adapt. Use your King & Queen concept, all the history, etc. But make the name work. This is the official MMM recommendation.













You're welcome.

Welcome to MMM

Welcome to the Marquee Mascot Matchup blog, new for college bowl season, 2009. For 6 years I've been publishing expert analysis of college football and basketball games, based upon attributes of the respective teams' mascots. I've had mixed success. For example, several years ago my college football bowl guide outperformed the pundits at both Sports Illustrated and ESPN. On the other hand, the 2008 Cal State Fullerton Titans incomprehensibly failed to win the national hoops title. Below I've posted links to the complete MMM archive, the past year's college football and basketball guides, and a Frequently Asked Questions section. Stay tuned for the 2009 Bowl Guide in the coming week. You can count on MMM for unique insight into the world of college sports, or failing that at least for humorous entertainment. Beats going back to work. Enjoy.

Marquee Mascot Matchup Archives

Archived mascot matchups (2003-2009), including college bowl guides and March Mascot Madness can be found here.

NCAA Tournament News Flash

In a shocking development, the identity of the Western Kentucky "red blob" Hilltopper mascot has been identified as the illegitimate lovechild of McDonalds spokespeople Ronald McDonald and Grimace.

Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and Big Red. You be the judge.

2009 March Mascot Madness

Complete 2009 NCAA Basketball tournament guide here.

2008 College Football Bowl Guide

Complete MMM guide to 2008-09 bowl season here.

Marquee Mascot Matchup - 2008 Chick-Fil-A Bowl

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (9-3)

VS.

LSU Tigers (7-5)

Tale of the Tape:

Yellow Jacket		Tiger
Southern Yellow Jacket Vespula squamosa	Species	Bengal Tiger Panthera tigris bengalensis
0'0.5" / 0.0002 lb	Height / Weight	9'0" / 400 lb
...southeastern United States	Lives in...	...south Asia
...smaller insects, nectar, and fruit juice	Eats...	...whatever it wants
...bigger insects, birds, members of the weasel family	Eaten by...	...eastern medicine practitioners with ED
Yellow & Black	Stripe Colors	Orange/Yellow & Black
...venomous stinger	Features sharp, pointy...	...teeth and claws
...neurotoxic venom	Kills prey via...	...suffocation and/or severing of the spinal cord
2.5 (estimated)	Pro Agility Shuttle	3.5 (estimated)
Honey Nut Cheerios	Favorite Breakfast Cereal	Frosted Flakes

Preview:

First off, I can't believe I'm writing a preview for a bowl game named after a chicken sandwich. Seriously. What was wrong with the Peach Bowl? Even the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl? It's Georgia for crying out loud - have we no respect for tradition? Dear Mr. Cathy: I promise to go buy a chicken sandwich if you'll rename the freakin' bowl game. Who's with me? Sponsorships aside, we've got a great mascot matchup headed for Atlanta in the "Battle of the Stripes." It's a faceoff between two radically different styles with the small, quick and agile Yellow Jackets against a big, fast, and strong group of Louisiana Tigers.

The first thing to recognize if you're Georgia Tech is that you're seriously overpowered. Not only do the Tigers boast a massive size advantage, but you don't even have your most notorious weapon - the stinger. See, like other members of the wasp family, only female Yellow Jackets have the capability to sting. Males have no power and pretty much spend their whole lives serving the queens. Hmm. Strangely familiar. Anyhow, unless some of the Lady Jackets want to suit up for the bowl game, Georgia Tech must scheme a game plan that takes advantage of their considerable advantages in quickness and the ability to fly. There is no hope for a ground game. Forget about it. The Yellow Jackets must go to the air and do it quickly before the QB gets trampled. Distraction and misdirection is key. Look for the Jackets to fly into the Tigers' eyes, into their ears, and keep them confused. All the crazy stuff is coming out of the playbook. Same thing defensively. The goal is to get the Tigers off their game. Tech can't stop the run, so they must gamble on blitzes and cover tight in the secondary.

Exact opposite if you're an LSU fan. Be prepared, keep it simple, and play to your strengths. How's a wasp gonna stop a Tiger running straight up the gut? It's not. LSU must avoid risking turnovers by going to the air, where the Yellow Jackets have a decisive advantage. The key is to be patient and take what the defense gives you - especially the ability to step on them. On defense look for the Tigers to play aggressively up front but conservatively elsewhere to control the aerial attack.

The Yellow Jackets have an impressive season record including victories over fighting chickens, devils, and storm systems. Fighting turkeys and Tarheels were a problem, but Tech went 3-0 against Bulldogs, and most importantly beat a group of Clemson Tigers. LSU was strong against both chickens and hillbillies, but went 1-1 against Bulldogs and suffered a perplexing, season-ending loss to a group of wild pigs. Weather won't be an issue in the climate-controlled Georgia Dome, but it does look an awful lot like a wasp nest. Advantage Georgia Tech.

Outlook:

MMM expects a controlled, methodical win from the Tigers, but watch out if the Jackets get stirred up...

Tigers 35-24.

Marquee Mascot Matchup - 2008 Orange Bowl

Virginia Tech Hokies (11-2)

VS.

Kansas Jayhawks (11-1)

Tale of the Tape:

Hokie		Jayhawk
Eastern Wild Turkey Meleangris gallopavo silvestris	Nearest Living Relative	Blue Jay Cyanocitta cristata, and Sparrow Hawk Falco sparverius
2'4" / 18 lb	Height / Weight	8" / 0.5 lb
Blacksburg, VA	Hometown	Lawrence, KS
Grass, seeds, occasional small vertebrate	Diet	Insects, lizards, small mammals/birds
Gobble	Vocalization	Chirp, Whine
315 lb	Bench Press	Unknown, no arms
4.5 (estimated)	40 yd Dash	Very slow
Tail, Biceps	Distinctively Oversized Body Part	Beak, feet
"Hokie Hokie Hokie Hy!"	Battle Cry	"Rock Chalk Jayhawk!"
New all orange uniforms unveiled	X-Factor	Orange Bowl changed to a basketball game

Preview:

Well folks, it's bowl season once again. Who could have predicted all the madness of this fall in college football? With upsets abounding, MMM knows that fans look here for the insight and analysis to pick winners in the annual holiday football festivities. Last year's bowl guide went 20-12, surpassing the experts at both ESPN and Sports Illustrated. We're going for a perfect 32-0 this year, headlined by our Marquee Mascot Matchup - the Hokies of Virginia Tech versus the Jayhawks of Kansas, in the FedEx Orange Bowl Battle of the Mythical, Flightless Birds.

Legend holds that the Jayhawk is a mix between two real birds - the blue jay and the sparrow hawk. The former is known for its aggression and thievery; the latter for skilled hunting. Both are known to have wings and fly, leaving some curiosity about the anatomy of the Jayhawk. Evidently some twist of jay/hawk cross-breeding results in flightless offspring with short, stubby wings, a gigantic beak, and shoes. Hey, what happens in Kansas stays in Kansas. But given this fact, we're left to ask exactly what traits of either Jays or Hawks might be retained in a Jayhawk.

The Hokie has a clearer lineage. Though the Hokie name originated as an abstract concept in the form of a chant, for a number of years Virginia Tech has been affiliated with turkeys. Formerly known as the Fighting Gobblers, the team has more recently adopted the turkey-like Hokie Bird. Still curious however is the fact that the Hokie Bird has apparently lost wings and therefore flight in exchange for mammalian arms, hands, and suspiciously large biceps.

The Hokies have a distinctive size advantage, weighing in about 20 times larger than the Jayhawks. One wonders in fact how a Jayhawk can even hold a football that's four times its size. If you're Virginia Tech, you want to play a power, ball possession game that caters to this advantage. Mix up the play calling and especially the gobble-heavy snap count to keep the Jayhawks guessing.

Kansas on the other hand needs to look to lessons of aggression and thievery learned from its blue jay ancestors. Defensive turnovers are the name of the game if you're wearing red and blue. Expect the Jayhawks to open up the playbook with some new, tricky stuff on the offensive side of the ball. Va Tech is wise to beware of play action and double reverse where the Jayhawks could easily hide the football in their ginormous beaks.

Review of the teams' respective schedules to date shows parity of strength versus common opponents. Both teams had success against small cats, Native Americans, and storm systems. Both also were convincingly defeated by Tigers. The Jayhawks have posted an impressive record against large carnivorous mammals including lions, panthers, and bears. The Hokies haven't been tested here, but do have a 2-0 record against guys with swords, and unlike Kansas have demonstrated success against a mythical creature - the supernatural Duke Blue Devil. This will be the Jayhawks' first match against both birds and mythical creatures, while the Hokies have a 1-1 record against avian opponents.

Outlook:

Expect the Hokies to control this game early on, frustrating Kansas with stifling defense and a lot of tailfeather shaking. This game can turn very quickly on the Jayhawk offense, however, and the 4th quarter will be a nailbiter.

Va Tech holds on, 20-17.

The Original MMM - September 20, 2003

Michigan Wolverines vs. Oregon Ducks