William & Mary Mascot Search - Official Position

It has recently come to the attention of MMM that The College of William & Mary is in the process of selecting a new mascot to replace their current - politically incorrect - mascot, the Tribe. It is important in this situation that an official position on the matter be made clear.

First of all, I wasn't consulted. I should have been, because if I was we certainly wouldn't have this abhorrent group of finalists, which (and I wish I was kidding) includes a Griffin, a King & Queen, a Phoenix, a Pug, and a Wren. Yes, you read that right. A Wren.

Recognize that the transition from politically-incorrect, imperial, Native American-objectifying mascot to something more socially tenable is wrought with peril, and not without precedent. Consider Stanford University, who went from the Indian - discriminatory, yes, but at least tangible - to the color Cardinal. A color? In an attempt to make up for such obvious stupidity, in came this character in a tree costume, which served only to introduce mascot ambiguity. Big mistake. Proud school with a great athletic tradition stuck in a perpetual mascot cellar.

Memo to W&M AD Terry Driscoll, chairman of the mascot search committee: Avoid that kind of mistake. Counterexample: Marquette University abandons the Warrior and goes with a somewhat generic but classic, reliable Golden Eagle. Strong move.

To be perfectly clear, here are the problems with the proposed W&M mascots:

1) Griffin. Good idea in terms of being unique, traditional, and even fierce. But it's a little esoteric. People don't know what Griffins are. They don't want to figure it out. They'll think you're talking about Merv Griffin. That's not a good look.

2) King & Queen. Besides the obvious associations with the Burger King guy and this sitcom about a UPS driver, the problem here is the team name. "Hey, wanna go watch the Kings & Queens game tonight?" "GO KINGS AND QUEENS!" A institution of higher education at least needs some grammar that works.

3) Phoenix. OK, I'm still with you on the whole mythical creature thing, but you can't pluralize Phoenix. Phoenices? That's a combination of penis and feces. You really want to go there?

4) Pug. Pug. This is a pug. The image of your university - seriously? That's the best you've got? Good luck against a bulldog. Or wolfpack. Or fairy.


5) Wren. Unless you're gonna go with a classic (e.g. Cardinals), I just can't support a songbird for anything but a music conservatory.

Here are a couple better options:

Cottonmouth. Venomous snake native to southeastern Virginia. Simplify to Vipers if necessary. Yeah snakes creep a lot of people out (myself included), but think of the possibilities. Two words: live mascot.










Royal. Too bad Old Dominion beat you to the Monarch, but you can still adapt. Use your King & Queen concept, all the history, etc. But make the name work. This is the official MMM recommendation.













You're welcome.