What's a mascot matchup?
A mascot matchup pits two teams against each other based upon the attributes of their mascots.
Are we talking about the human mascots dressed up in costumes, or the actual manifestations of the team name?
We're talking about real-life manifestations, not humans in costumes.
Are the mascots fighting or playing football/basketball/baseball/chess/etc.?
Yes. Look, clearly humans are the only creatures that can really play football, basketball, or Parcheesi. So we take some (liberal) literary license. The idea is that the mascots face off against each other in a battle, with the flavor of the game in question. So while neither a Bull or a Bobcat can play basketball, basketball is a game where jumping ability is important, so the better leaping Bobcat is afforded an advantage. Additionally, we project certain attributes/skills of the mascots to the game. For example, birds can fly. Thus teams with bird names have an advantage in passing a football or dunking a basketball. Those with tremendous strength (Bears, Tigers) may have stronger defensive lines and/or post games. Beavers are considered better team players, Devils are tricky and unethical, and Friars have God on their side.
What constitutes victory? Death? Injury?
Whatever would make one team surrender to another. Death is an obvious way to win, but it's not the only way. A bird could claw out a larger predators eyes, peck at their private parts, and cause them to cower into submission. To do so, however, they must risk flying in close and possibly being thrashed. A seemingly innocuous Buckeye may defeat a powerful Wolverine if the Wolverine eats the poisonous nut. A Devil may tempt a Crusader into abandoning the almighty in favor of debauchery.
Is it one mascot versus another, or 11 vs. 11 - for example - in football?
Depends on the mascot. Typically, if multiplicity makes sense, then we have it. 5 Tigers vs. 5 Bulldogs in basketball, 11 Mountaineers vs. 11 Chippewas in football. Sometimes it doesn't. What does it mean to have more than one Heat? Can I have 11 Hurricanes in a basketball arena?
Do the mascots have to follow the rules of the game?
This is loosely and ambiguously determined on a case-by-case basis.
What about stadium rules? Are mascots allowed to use weapons?
To the extent that it's reasonably practical. We'll let a Trojan bring in a sword, and a Red Raider pack their pistols. A Buccaneer can't bring their whole pirate ship in the stadium.
Do past records factor in?
Yes. A team's record against other mascots is an important consideration. If a team is 6-0 on the season against birds, they are given a decisive advantage against another bird.
Does the actual human team play any role?
To the extent that individual players/coaches embody attributes of the mascots, yes.
How does intelligence factor in? Shouldn't humans always beat animals?
Intelligence is factored in, along with any other attribute (strength, speed, perseverance, experience) that may be advantageous in battle. Humans have an advantage over animals when they're able to leverage intelligence in a way that overshadows other ways they may be deficient. Humans are typically pretty pathetic versus animals in physical gifts as speed and strength. Their advantage comes in technology and sometimes strategy. For example, a Tiger is much faster and stronger than a Pirate, but a Pirate may wield a sword. Advantage goes to the Pirate if they're able to evade the Tiger's attack and skillfully place the sword in the Tiger's ribcage. However, if they miss and/or loses the sword, they've got little hope of besting a Tiger in hand-to-hand combat.
How are inanimate objects evaluated?
As with all mascot matchups, this is case-specific. Inanimate objects may include plants (Ohio State Buckeyes), abstract concepts (Georgetown Hoyas) or forms of energy (Miami Heat). Like all mascots, inanimate objects come with both strengths and weaknesses. A tree can be expected to be consistent, sturdy, and difficult to run through, making defense a strength of a team bearing its likeness. On the other hand, a tree cannot be expected to excel in agility or speed. Colors (Stanford, Harvard) are stupid mascots, and virtually always lose.
What about mythical creatures, storm systems, etc?
They're tough when they're on, but also very vulnerable.
How do factors like weather, location, conditions, etc. impact results?
All can be crucial. For example, a Hurricane is a fearsome opponent if playing in October along the eastern seaboard. It's laughable in Boise in January. A heavy rain could bring advantage to aquatic or semiaquatic creatures such as Ducks or Gators, whereas cold weather favors those with heavy fur coats. Night games favor naturally nocturnal mascots like Owls, but heavy winds may neutralize their flight advantage. Finally, the context of the game is important. The Florida Gators, for example, must be afforded an advantage in the Gator Bowl.
What is "mascot ambiguity"?
Mascot ambiguity is when there is some question as to what a school's mascot is. If I can't figure out what your mascot is, I don't know how to evaluate you. This results in an automatic loss. A classic example is Texas A&M. The team name is "Aggies", a fighting farmer. However, the team mascot is a Collie named Reveille. So, are you a fighting farmer or a Lassie-dog? Or is the Lassie-dog actually a fighting farmer? I can't tell, so you lose. Other examples of mascot ambiguity include Tennessee (militiaman or hound dog?), Stanford (color or tree?), and Alabama (color or elephant?).
What is "regional appropriateness"?
Regional appropriateness is a good match between a mascot and its home. That is the mascot is native to, representative of, or otherwise closely affiliated with the school and/or region it's from. This gets you points, especially at home. Good examples include the Oregon State Beavers, Florida Gators, Pittsburgh Steelers, and Arizona Diamondbacks. Poor examples include the Cincinnati Bearcats, UAB Dragons, and Detroit Lions. The Los Angeles Lakers gave up regional appropriateness when they left Minnesota.
Are there any other special rules I should be aware of?
Yes. Special advantage is given to Owls, Trojans, and Ducks, and in particular Rice Owls, USC Trojans, and Oregon Ducks. Special disadvantage is accordingly given to Longhorns, Bruins, and Beavers, and in particular Texas Longhorns, UCLA Bruins, and Oregon State Beavers.
I also declare conflicted interest in Hokies, Vikings, Loggers, and the UMKC Kangaroos.
How could you pick a (mascot I don't like) over a (mascot representing my team)? That's ridiculous!
I stand by my record. If you don't like it, you're free to make your own.
I still don't get it. It seems arbitrary.
Sorry, I can't help you. Mascot Matchup isn't for everyone.
